"If you are having trouble getting your needs met in life, either because the thought of standing up for yourself makes you anxious as hell, or perhaps because you get frustrated when others don't agree with you, assertive communication may be the key"
Table of Contents
What is assertiveness...?
An effective communication style that can help you strengthen the relationships with others and yourself. Assertive people are able to communicate their wants and needs in a direct but respectful way, without dismissing the other person's wants and needs. You are in charge of what you will and will not do while recognising that other people are also in charge of their own needs and behaviour.
What is assertiveness NOT...?
Assertiveness does not mean trying to dominate others or getting your way all the time. It respects the other side's needs and wants but recognises that all parties are responsible for their own needs and wants.
How does assertiveness differ from other communication styles...?
There are 4 styles people commonly use, and assertiveness tends to be the most effective one to strengthen human relations and getting your needs met.
Let's consider an example involving colleagues asking each other for favours at work.
1. Aggressive Style
A colleague approaches you in an overwhelming way and demands the favour without any consideration for your time and needs.
Overarching Message My needs are more important than yours. Message delivery Inappropriately honest, attacking, overly expressive, makes self big, bolstering, threatening posture and expressions |
2. Passive-Agressive Style
You ask the colleague for a favour. The colleague agrees, but later behaves negatively towards you, acting as if you have been inconsiderate towards them.
Overarching Message My needs are more important than yours but I am unable to express them. Message delivery Initially dishonestly agreeable, pretends to consider others’ needs. Later sarcastic, indirect expression of negative feelings |
3. Passive Style
You ask the colleague for a favour. The colleague agrees right away in an attempt to please you, and despite being already overloaded with other work.
Overarching Message My needs are less important than yours. Message delivery Dishonest, submissive, self-denying, apologetic, conflict avoidant, makes self small, shows little confidence, avoids eye contact, hunches over |
4. Assertive Style
The colleague asks you for a favour. You tell the colleague that you have other commitments but are able to assist tomorrow or know someone else who might be able to help if the matter is urgent.
Overarching Message Our needs are equally as important but each person is responsible for their wants and needs. Message delivery Appropriately honest, self-confident, empathetic and respectful towards the other person, direct, relaxed body language, healthy expression of emotions. |
How does your communication style affect your mental health...?
Research has shown that assertive communication is a key factor in healthy relationships (Markov, 2018). Robert Waldinger, Director of of the longest study on happiness, found that the key to mental and emotional wellbeing lies in the quality of our relationships.
Additionally, not getting your needs met and being unable to navigate conflict effectively will evoke negative emotions such as resentment and distress. When negative emotions are experienced frequently and for prolonged periods of time, they can lead to the development of mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression (Adolfo et al. 2022).
Why are some people NOT assertive...?
People do what they do for a variety of reasons. The most common influences that affect people's personalities are genes and life experiences, or nature and nurture.
Passive communicators
Children that have been punished for expressing their needs may turn into passive adults (Karniol, 2010). Some assertive adults may become passive due to certain relationship dynamics e.g. when being abused by a spouse.
Aggressive communicators
Children may have been exposed to violence and abuse in childhood, or learned the behaviour from aggressive role models such as parents, siblings, or social peers (Merritt, et al 2013).
Passive-Aggressive communicators
Children may have been exposed to inconsistent parenting, neglect, or were forced to repress their emotions in childhood, using passive-aggression as a coping mechanism (Macfarlane, 2014)
The above information is by no means exhaustive and does not take into account the various personality traits that can play a role in non-assertiveness such as the level of agreeableness, conscientiousness, intro/extroversion, openness, and neuroticism.
What are the strategies to become more assertive…?
1. Manage your expectations
Initially, people around you might question, criticise, or react surprised by your new behaviour. Be prepared to be honest about what you are doing, and be patient with people as it may take them some time to get used your new behaviour. Some may never accept it but that is their issue not yours.
Being assertive can feel strange at first. Be prepared for that and do not let that stop you. With practice, the feeling will eventually go away and being assertive will become second nature.
2. Prepare yourself to be vulnerable
Assertiveness requires you to reveal your preferences, ideas, goals, dreams, and opinions. This means you have to develop the courage to express yourself honestly, which makes you vulnerable. Vulnerability is a key ingredient to building trust and connection with others. As famous author Brené Brown puts it: "Vulnerability is the willingness to show up and be seen with no guarantee of the outcome. When you shut down vulnerability, you shut down opportunity."
For a full dive into world of vulnerability, check out Brené's book
>>> Daring Greatly <<<
3. Become self-aware of your behaviour
Lots of our thoughts and behaviours are happening outside of our awareness. The body and mind use these automations to save energy, or as short cuts if you will. Being self-aware will allow you to identify your own behaviours, which will allow you to intervene with the bad ones. For example, you may apologise even when you didn't do anything wrong. Self awareness will help you catch the behaviour and intervene.
Strategies to become more self-aware include:
Habit Tracking
Use a simple journal and write down your habits for 30 days. Evaluate which ones are good, and which ones are bad. Develop strategies to reduce the bad habits.
You can also download Habit Tracker apps such as Habit Bull.
Mindfulness/Meditation
Mindfulness is the practice of being present and non-judgmental in the moment. Studies have found it can help individuals become more aware (Hölzel et al., 2011).
Downloading a mindfulness app is a good place to start.
Record yourself
Observing yourself from the outside provides powerful insight into your behaviour.
4. Stop the Amygdala Hijack
The Amygdala is small region in your brain that triggers a stress response when you perceive a threat in the environment. It overrides the area of your brain that is responsible for rational thought and triggers a so called fight or flight response. Your body releases a whole lot of adrenaline and either ramps up the aggression to fight or ramps up fear to run away - flight (Goulston, 2015).
In evolutionary terms, this response has been built into us way back to help protect us from physical threats in the environment. Unfortunately for a lot of people, this response is also activated during difficult conversations where no physical threats are actually present. Since this response shuts down rational thought, you can imagine that it won't help you to communicate calmly and assertively.
So how can we practice to improve our stress response?
Breathing Exercises
The physical symptoms of stress can be reduced through breathing exercises.
Practice regular mindfulness/meditation
Mindfulness and meditation are powerful tools for managing stress and anxiety.
Walking / Exercise
Movement will release endorphins and reduce the physical symptoms of stress.
Repeating a mantra
Think of something to say that can calm you down e.g. "Be a Warrior, not a worrier".
Have a laugh
Laughter reduces the symptoms of stress through endorphin release.
Role modelling
Think of someone you look up to and ask yourself: "How would this person handle it?"
Reframe self-defeating thoughts
Turn: "I won't survive this" , into: "This will be a great learning experience"
5. Practice, Practice Practice
They most effective way of building a new behaviour is to start small and increase the level of difficulty incrementally over time until you master the skill.
Practice non-verbal language
Assertive people embody confidence, hold eye contact, have a straight but relaxed posture, and maintain situation appropriate facial expressions. Practice walking through town with an upright posture, holding eye contact with others.
Practice written communication
Write an email or letter to someone in an assertive way. Written communication does not expose you to the same emotional triggers and you don't have to make responses up on the fly. Express your opinion about a subject in a group chat or write an honest letter to a friend.
Practice verbal communication and tonality
Call someone and practice speaking assertively over the phone. Similarly to written communication, there is less emotional involvement speaking to someone over the phone as there is face-to-face. It could be as simple as calling up a hotel and giving a honest review (positives and negatives).
Practice in front of a mirror.
Prior to your first face-to-face interaction, imagine a difficult conversation you are planning to have. Rehears in front of the mirror multiple times. Don't take yourself too seriously. Play around and fun.
Practice with a friend / known supporter
For the first face-to-face interaction, approach someone who you think is likely to support you in becoming more assertive. Tell them about your plans, practice with them, and seek feedback about how you can improve.
Practice an easy-moderate situation
Now that you have practiced with a supporter, start approaching people whom you think will be sceptical but ultimately supportive. Don't fall back into your old patterns and stick to your guns.
Practice a difficult situation
It's time to approach someone who you think will be difficult to deal with once you become assertive. Script your conversation out if you must and think of different scenarios on how the conversation could go. Ensure the timing is right (when they are most approachable) and focus on the issue not the character.
For full dive into world of assertiveness practice, check out Randy Paterson's book
>>> The Assertiveness Workbook <<<
6. Make practicing a habit
Permanent behaviour change requires you to forge new neural pathways. Neural pathways are connections between the cells in your brain and nervous system. Every time you repeat a behaviour, you reinforce the neural pathways associated with that behaviour. Repeat it often enough and the neural pathway becomes so strong that the behaviour becomes second nature. In other words, you form a new habit. This process takes on average 66-days of repeated behaviour but depends on the strength of previous habits that your are trying to override (Lally, et al 2019).
For full dive into world of habit building, check out James Clear's book
>>> Atomic Habits <<<
7. Regularly repeat affirmations
Affirmations boost the psychological resources that people have to cope with threats and broadens the perspective with which people view information and events in their lives (Sherman, 2013).
Some affirmative examples to conquer negative believes:
I am in charge of what I will and will not do.
Equally, others are in charge of what they will and will not do.
I do not have to justify myself to others and vice versa.
I do not have the right to control others and vice versa.
I have the right to stand up for myself.
I have the right to ask for help and emotional support.
I have my opinion, and other people have theirs.
I am not responsible for other people's problems.
When NOT to be assertive...
There will be situations where assertiveness is not a good idea, especially where asserting yourself could put you in harms way. For example, you do not want to assert yourself with someone who is abusive and could potentially hurt you. Similarly, it would not be the wisest move to tell your sky diving instructor that you are not going to follow his instructions. You get the gist.
Final words of encouragement…
Just keep at it until your non-verbal and verbal behaviour are in alignment and assertiveness becomes second nature. It will feel new and uncomfortable at first, but everything good in life requires a certain level of investment, commitment and hard work.
Keep your eyes on the goal post!
Best Regards, Steffen
Disclaimer…
LÄUFT is not a replacement for professional psychological treatment. If you suffer from severe mental health issues, please contact your Doctor and explore some of the services from our resources page.
References
Adolfo, C.S., Albougami, A.S.B., Roque, M.Y., Aruta, J.J.B.R. and Almazan, J.U. (2022). An integrative review of negative emotions of older adults in later life. Nursing Forum. doi:10.1111/nuf.12785.
Brene Brown (2012). Daring Greatly : How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Random House Audio Publishing Group.
Clear, J. (2018). Atomic habits : tiny changes, remarkable results : an easy & proven way to build good habits & break bad ones. New York: Avery, An Imprint Of Penguin Random House.
Goulston, M. (2015). Just listen : discover the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone. New York: Amacom.
Hölzel, B.K., Lazar, S.W., Gard, T., Schuman-Olivier, Z., Vago, D.R. and Ott, U. (2011). How Does Mindfulness Meditation Work? Proposing Mechanisms of Action From a Conceptual and Neural Perspective. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(6), pp.537–559. doi:10.1177/1745691611419671.
Karniol, R. (2010). Social Development as Preference Management. doi:10.1017/cbo9780511750342.
Lally, P., Van Jaarsveld, C. H., Potts, H. W., & Wardle, J. (2010). How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998-1009.
Macfarlane, M.M. (2014). Family Treatment of Personality Disorders. Routledge.
Markov, Z. (2018). Assertiveness: The style of good communication, the skill of standing up for oneself and of developing quality interpersonal relationships. Opsta medicina, 24(1-2), pp.51–60. doi:10.5937/opmed1801051m.
Merritt, M.B., Cronholm, P., Davis, M., Dempsey, S., Fein, J., Kuykendall, S.A.,… Wade, R. (2013). Findings from the Philadelphia Urban ACE Survey. Institute for Safe Families. https://www.rwjf.org/en/library/research/2013/09/findings-from-the-philadelphia-urban-ace-survey.html
Patel, J. and Patel, P. (no date) Consequences of repression of emotion: Physical Health, Mental Health and general well being, Open Access Pub. Open Access Pub. Available at: https://openaccesspub.org/ijpr/article/999 (Accessed: January 14, 2023).
Paterson, R.J. (2000). Assertiveness workbook - how to express your ideas and stand up for yoursel. New Harbinger Publications,U.S.
Robert Waldinger: What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness | TED Talk. Available at: https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness.
Sherman, D.K. (2013). Self-Affirmation: Understanding the Effects. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 7(11), pp.834–845. doi:10.1111/spc3.12072.