The Power of Assertive Communication: Finding Your Voice
- Steffen Winter
- Jan 2, 2023
- 6 min read
Updated: Mar 15
"Ever feel like your needs aren't being met? Whether anxiety stops you from speaking up or frustration builds when others don't agree with you, assertive communication might be the missing piece."
Table of Contents
What is assertiveness...?
Assertiveness is a balanced communication style that helps strengthen relationships with others and yourself. When you communicate assertively, you:
Express your wants and needs directly but respectfully
Recognise that you control your own actions
Acknowledge that others are responsible for their needs and behaviors
What is assertiveness NOT...?
Assertiveness isn't about dominating conversations or always getting your way. It's about mutual respect—recognizing everyone's needs while understanding each person is ultimately responsible for themselves.
The Four Communication Styles
Let's explore how different communication styles play out in a common workplace scenario—colleagues asking each other for favors.
1. Aggressive Style
Your colleague approaches with demands, showing no consideration for your time or needs.
Overarching Message My needs are more important than yours. Delivery Intimidating, attacking, makes themselves appear larger, threatening posture and expressions. |
2. Passive-Agressive Style
You ask for a favor. Your colleague agrees but later acts resentful, as if you've been inconsiderate.
Overarching Message My needs are more important than yours, but I can't express them directly. Delivery Initially agreeable but insincere, later becomes sarcastic and indirectly expresses negative feelings. |
3. Passive Style
You request assistance. Your colleague immediately agrees to please you, despite being already overloaded with work.
Overarching Message My needs are less important than yours. Delivery Submissive, self-denying, apologetic, conflict-avoidant, appears small, lacks confidence, avoids eye contact. |
4. Assertive Style
Your colleague asks for help. You explain you have other commitments but offer alternatives: helping tomorrow or suggesting someone who might assist sooner.
Overarching Message Our needs are equally important, but we're each responsible for meeting them. Delivery Honest, confident, empathetic, respectful, direct, relaxed body language, healthy emotional expression |
How Communication Style Affects Mental Health and Wellbeing
Research shows assertive communication is crucial for healthy relationships (Markov, 2018). Robert Waldinger, Director of the longest study on happiness, found that relationship quality is key to mental and emotional wellbeing.
When you can't get your needs met or effectively navigate conflict, negative emotions like resentment and distress follow. Experiencing these emotions frequently and for extended periods can contribute to anxiety and depression (Adolfo et al., 2022).
Why Aren't Some People Assertive?
Our communication styles develop through a combination of genetics and life experiences:
Passive communicators may have been punished for expressing needs as children (Karniol, 2010) or become passive due to relationship dynamics like abuse.
Aggressive communicators may have experienced childhood violence or learned from aggressive role models like parents or peers (Merritt et al., 2013).
Passive-aggressive communicators may have experienced inconsistent parenting or emotional repression, developing passive-aggression as a coping mechanism (Macfarlane, 2014).
Strategies to Become More Assertive
1. Manage Your Expectations
When you start being more assertive, people might question, criticise, or show surprise at your new behaviour. Be patient—it takes time for others to adjust. Some may never accept it, but that's their issue, not yours. Being assertive will feel strange at first. That's normal! With practice, it will become second nature.
2. Embrace Vulnerability
Assertiveness requires revealing your preferences, ideas, goals, and opinions honestly. As researcher Brené Brown puts it:
"Vulnerability is the willingness to show up and be seen with no guarantee of the outcome. When you shut down vulnerability, you shut down opportunity."
3. Develop Self-Awareness
Many thoughts and behaviours happen automatically. Self-awareness helps you identify patterns and intervene when needed. Try these strategies:
Habit Tracking: Journal your habits for 30 days, recording triggers, behaviours, outcomes, and effects on your assertiveness. Set aside weekly time to review your journal, looking specifically for patterns that undermine confidence or reinforce unhelpful communication styles. The key is consistency in identifying which habits serve your goal of becoming more assertive.
Mindfulness: Research shows mindfulness significantly increases self-awareness (Hölzel et al., 2011). This can take many forms: formal meditation (even just 5-10 minutes daily), mindful journaling, sensory awareness exercises, focused listening, body scans, or mindful movement like yoga or walking. The format matters less than consistency—brief daily practice can dramatically improve your self-awareness and emotional regulation, both essential for assertive communication.
Record Yourself: Video or audio recording your communication provides objective feedback on your assertiveness patterns. Record practice sessions and review your body language, vocal qualities, word choices, and signs of confidence or discomfort. After reviewing, document what you did well, areas for improvement, and specific strategies to implement next time. While initially uncomfortable, this practice offers invaluable insights—start with low-stakes situations and gradually tackle more challenging scenarios.
4. Control the Amygdala Hijack
Your brain's amygdala triggers fight-or-flight responses when perceiving threats—even during difficult conversations where no physical danger exists. This response shuts down rational thought, preventing calm, assertive communication (Goulston, 2015).
Try these techniques to improve your stress response:
Breathing Exercises: Slow, deep breathing reduces physical stress symptoms
Physical Activity: Walking or exercise releases endorphins
Positive Mantras: Repeat calming phrases like "Be a warrior, not a worrier"
Role Modeling: Ask yourself how someone you admire would handle the situation
Reframing Thoughts: Turn "I won't survive this" into "This will be a great learning experience"
5. Practice Incrementally
Build assertiveness by starting small and gradually increasing difficulty:
Non-verbal language: Practice confident posture and eye contact in public
Written communication: Express opinions in emails or group chats
Phone conversations: Practice assertive speaking with less emotional pressure
Mirror practice: Rehearse difficult conversations before having them
Supportive friends: Practice with people who encourage your growth
Moderate challenges: Approach skeptical but ultimately supportive people
Difficult situations: Finally, tackle conversations with challenging people
When NOT to Be Assertive
Some situations call for caution. Don't assert yourself when it could put you in danger—like with someone who might become violent or in situations where following instructions is crucial for safety (like skydiving lessons).
Final Encouragement
Keep practicing until assertiveness becomes second nature. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but everything worthwhile requires investment and commitment.
Keep your eyes on the goal!
Disclaimer
If you're experiencing health or wellbeing concerns, please consult a medical professional.
References
Adolfo, C.S., Albougami, A.S.B., Roque, M.Y., Aruta, J.J.B.R. and Almazan, J.U. (2022). An integrative review of negative emotions of older adults in later life. Nursing Forum. doi:10.1111/nuf.12785.
Brene Brown (2012). Daring Greatly : How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin Random House Audio Publishing Group.
Clear, J. (2018). Atomic habits : tiny changes, remarkable results : an easy & proven way to build good habits & break bad ones. New York: Avery, An Imprint Of Penguin Random House.
Goulston, M. (2015). Just listen : discover the secret to getting through to absolutely anyone. New York: Amacom.
Hölzel, B.K., Lazar, S.W., Gard, T., Schuman-Olivier, Z., Vago, D.R. and Ott, U. (2011). How Does Mindfulness Meditation Work? Proposing Mechanisms of Action From a Conceptual and Neural Perspective. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(6), pp.537–559. doi:10.1177/1745691611419671.
Karniol, R. (2010). Social Development as Preference Management. doi:10.1017/cbo9780511750342.
Lally, P., Van Jaarsveld, C. H., Potts, H. W., & Wardle, J. (2010). How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998-1009.
Macfarlane, M.M. (2014). Family Treatment of Personality Disorders. Routledge.
Markov, Z. (2018). Assertiveness: The style of good communication, the skill of standing up for oneself and of developing quality interpersonal relationships. Opsta medicina, 24(1-2), pp.51–60. doi:10.5937/opmed1801051m.
Merritt, M.B., Cronholm, P., Davis, M., Dempsey, S., Fein, J., Kuykendall, S.A.,… Wade, R. (2013). Findings from the Philadelphia Urban ACE Survey. Institute for Safe Families. https://www.rwjf.org/en/library/research/2013/09/findings-from-the-philadelphia-urban-ace-survey.html
Patel, J. and Patel, P. (no date) Consequences of repression of emotion: Physical Health, Mental Health and general well being, Open Access Pub. Open Access Pub. Available at: https://openaccesspub.org/ijpr/article/999 (Accessed: January 14, 2023).
Paterson, R.J. (2000). Assertiveness workbook - how to express your ideas and stand up for yoursel. New Harbinger Publications,U.S.
Robert Waldinger: What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness | TED Talk. Available at: https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness.
Sherman, D.K. (2013). Self-Affirmation: Understanding the Effects. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 7(11), pp.834–845. doi:10.1111/spc3.12072.
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