If you make a promise to yourself and fail to keep it, you can feel the same negative emotions you would if someone had cheated on you. Repeat it often enough and you will see a decline in your mental health.
Table of Contents...
1. Introduction to Self-Discrepancy Theory...
Self-discrepancy theory is a psychological theory that was developed by Dr. Edward Tory Higgins in the 1980s and stems from the field of Social Psychology. The theory proposes that people have three different types of self-representations: the "actual" self, the "ideal" self, and the "ought" self, which are in constant conflict with each other (Higgins, 1987).
The "actual" self is who we think we are, the "ideal" self is who we want to be, and the "ought" self is who others expect us to be.
We use these three types for self-guidance. The "actual" self is our reference point, which indicates where we currently stand. The "ideal" and "ought" selves serve as signpost, guiding us towards who we want to be and what others expect of us.
Self-discrepancies refer to the gap between your "actual" self and, your "ideal" and/or "ought" selves. The greater your gap, the greater the negative affect / negative emotions you will experience, and the greater the risk that you will be suffering from mental health problems.
Confused yet? Read on to learn more about Self-Discrepancy Theory and how you can use it to your advantage.
2. Exploring the Different Types of Self...
2.1 The “actual self” explained - (Who you think you are)
The "actual" self refers to the way that you see yourself currently, or, who you are right now and your current abilities. This self is shaped by your innermost thoughts and feelings about yourself.
What are examples of your “actual" self?
Work: You may currently view yourself as unsuccessful and unfulfilled.
Health: You may currently view yourself as slightly overweight.
2.2 The “ideal self” explained (Who you want to be)
The "ideal" self refers to the way you would like to be in an ideal world. This self is shaped by your values, goals, and aspirations. It prioritises what you think of yourself over what others think about you.
What are examples of the “ideal" self?
Work: You may aspire to work in Marketing.
Health: You may aspire to lose a few kilos and eat a bit healthier.
2.3 The “ought self” explained (Who you think you should be)
The "ought" self refers to the way you believe others expect you to think, feel, and behave. It prioritises what others think of you over what you think of yourself.
What are examples of the “ought" self?
Work: Your parents may expect you to be a Lawyer or Mechanic.
Health: Your trainer expects you to work out 6-days a week.
3. Are People more motivated by their “ideal" self or "ought" self?...
The relative importance of the "ideal" self versus the "ought" self in motivating your behaviour may depend on your individual characteristics and life experiences. Most people would lean more towards one or the other, however, we are all influenced by a combination of both.
3.1 Why are some people more motivated by their “ideal" self?
The "ideal" self may be more motivating for you because you have a strong desire for personal growth and self-improvement. You may be more focused on achieving your personal aspirations and fulfilling your potential, rather than caring too much about what others expect of you. Therefore, your sense of self-worth is strongly associated with your own values, goals, and aspirations.
3.2 Why are some people more motivated by their “ought" self?
The ought self may be more motivating for you because you have a strong sense of duty and responsibility. You may be more focused on meeting external expectations and fulfilling your perceived obligations towards others. This could include a sense of duty for your sports club, family, or community. Therefore, your sense of self-worth is strongly associated with other peoples' expectations of you.
3.3 In Summary
Your relative focus on your “ideal" self versus your “ought" self is influenced by factors such as your upbringing, culture, and social context. For example, if you grew up in an environment that placed a high value on personal fulfilment you may be more motivated by your ideal self, whereas if you grew up in an environment that emphasised duty and obedience, you will be more motivated by your ought self.
However, we are all influenced by both types in one way or another. For example, your "ideal" self might be striving to be a great soccer player, but to be a great soccer player, you have to be part of a team. Being part of a team requires you to act in their best interest, which is when your "ought" self comes into play (Higgins et al, 1985).
4. Examples of incongruences between "actual" and "ideal" self...
You may value honesty, but act in a dishonest way.
You promise yourself to eat healthy, but end up eating junk food again.
You plan to go for a run in the morning but are too lazy to get out of bed.
5. Examples of incongruences between "actual" and "ought" self...
Your Boss expects you to work overtime but you have other commitments.
Your family pressures you to have a child, but you don't want a child.
Your parents expect you to receive good grades but you fail the assignment.
6. How can Self-Discrepancies cause Mental Health problems?...
Distinct self-discrepancies can have a significant impact on your mental health. If you experience gaps between your three selves, chances are you will feel overwhelmed by your inability to meet your own or others' standards. The greater your gap, the greater your risk of suffering from mental health problems such as emotional distress, depression, and anxiety (Higgins et al, 1985).
6.1 Which self-discrepancy is related to depression? (Actual & Ideal)
Perceived discrepancies, or gaps, between your “Actual” self (who you think you are) and your “ideal” self (who you want to be) signifies a lack of positive outcomes to your brain. In turn, you will experience dejection-related emotions such as disappointment, dissatisfaction, and sadness, which are associated with depression (Carver et al, 1999).
6.2 Which self-discrepancy is related to anxiety? (Actual & Ought)
Perceived discrepancies, or gaps, between your “Actual” self (who you think you are) and your “Ought” self (who you think others expect you to be) signifies the presence of negative outcomes to your brain. In turn, you will experience agitation-related emotions such as fear, guilt, and restlessness, which are associated with anxiety (Carver et al, 1999).
A feeling of shame has been positively correlated with both, Actual-Ought and Actual-Ideal self-discrepancies (Tangney et al., 1998).
7. How can you reduce your self-discrepancies to improve mental wellbeing?...
7.1 Get clear on your “actual”, “ideal”, and “ought” selves
Take some time to reflect on who your “actual”, “ideal”, and “ought” selves are. This process of getting to know yourself intimately will take some time, however, it is of utmost importance for you to be able to define your own strengths, limitations, values, goals, and dreams, and to make a plan for change, aiming for positive outcomes.
Make sure you write it down, draw it, make a vision board, or do whatever floats your boat. The point is to get a clear picture of who you currently are, and who you are aiming to become. If possible, include trusted friends and family members in this process because our own perceptions are sometimes not the most accurate.
I have listed some questions below, which might help guide you along this journey of self-discovery. The "Understand Myself" personality assessment might also be a helpful tool that you can utilise.
What are the 3-5 values/beliefs that I would never compromise on?
What are my strengths and weaknesses?
What brings me joy and fulfilment?
What are my passions and interests?
What motivates and drives me?
What are my goals and aspirations?
What kind of person do I want to be?
What kind of relationships do I want to have?
What makes me unique and different from others?
What are some experiences in my life that have shaped who I am today?
7.2 Make a plan to reduce the gap between your different selves
Now that you are clear on who you currently are ("actual" self), use this knowledge as a reference point from which you can measure any changes you are planning to make. Your “ideal” and/or “ought” selves should serve as your goal posts that you can work towards.
Break your goals down into small, achievable steps. Theses steps will serve as your milestones in the pursuit of your bigger, long-term goals. You can use the SMART system to help establish your milestones and goals. Once you have created your milestones, add timeframes that dertemine when they should be achieved, and track your progress.
Try and apply the 1% goal rule, which states that you should aim to make at least 1% progress towards your goals every day. This will encourage you to focus on the small wins and provide a gradual approach to reaching our goals. Let's say you're planning to become a better runner, and your current pace is about 10 minutes per kilometre. With the 1% goal rule, you'd set your sights on shaving off just a tiny bit of time - let's say 5 seconds from your pace each day. This will make a massive difference over a longer period of time.
"It's okay to dream BIG but remember, setting unrealistic goals or negative standards can set you up for failure."
7.3 Take Action...
It's not enough to simply dream of becoming who you want to be. You need to take action towards your goals. The "Model of Action Phases" suggests that actions are just as important for achieving goals as planning them. If you struggle, the best way forward is to be persistent and work harder. If you get off track, resume as soon as possible to avoid falling of the rails (Keller et al., 2020)
Start today by taking one small step after you have finished reading this article.
7.4 Celebrate your Wins...
Every time you get closer to your goals, no matter how small, pat yourself on the back, give yourself a high five, or reward yourself to reinforce the positive steps you are taking. Take time to acknowledge your hard work and the progress you've made. This has proven to be a great motivator that keeps your eyes on the goal post. (Amabile & Kramer, 2011).
7.6 Learn from your losses...
Accept that you are not perfect and that you will make mistakes along your journey. Growth and learning are part of the process and you need to start viewing failures as positive opportunities to learn and grow rather than seeing them as a reflection of who you are, because they are not. Continually seek out new experiences and learning opportunities that will help you grow and evolve towards who you want to be so you can live a fulfilling and authentic life.
7.7 Don’t beat yourself up if things don’t go to plan...
You are human and there will be days where you feel that you are not making progress or falling behind. When this happens to you and you feel stuck please remember the following:
A. Nobody's perfect, not even your ideal self. So, cut yourself some slack and give yourself some credit for all the good things you're already doing.
B. Setbacks are inevitable, but they don't define you. Focus on your efforts and achievements to date and how far you have already come.
C. Be kind and understanding with yourself when you fall short of your expectations. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend. Speak kindly to yourself, forgive yourself for mistakes, and give yourself the care and attention you deserve.
D. Remember, working on your discrepancies is just as much about the process, as it is about the destination. Try to enjoy and embrace the journey with all its ups and downs.
E. Taking care of yourself is essential to becoming your best self. Get enough sleep, exercise regularly, eat well, and take time to do the things that bring you joy and relaxation.
F. Don't take yourself too seriously. Life is short, and it's meant to be enjoyed. So, have some fun along the way! Laugh at your mistakes, be silly, try new things, and enjoy the journey towards your goals.
G. Surround yourself with people who inspire you, support you, and bring out the best in you. Avoid negative people who bring you down or make you doubt yourself.
7.8 Don’t compare yourself to others...
It's easy to get caught up comparing yourself to others, but this can be a perfect recipe to set the wrong standards and experience negative emotions such as jealousy, disappointment and/or discouragement. Instead, focus on your own journey and celebrate your own progress and success. This will result in a positive affect that comes from independent self-achievement and will improve your self-esteem and self-love. Remember, you are you and the only healthy comparison is who you are today versus who you were yesterday.
7.9 Seek Assistance...
If you are struggling to get on top of your discrepancies by yourself, especially if you struggle with addiction, I suggest you seek professional help. There are many people in your shoes and there is no shame in asking for help. There are also many therapy models that have proven helpful such as:
A. Cognitive Restructuring / Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
CBT is a form of treatment that helps you to identify, question, and replace irrational beliefs with more positive and realistic ones. This type of therapy is widely applied in Psychology and helps you to recognise unhealthy thoughts and replace them with healthy thoughts (Ackerman, 2018).
B. Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT)
MBCT builds upon the principles of CBT, incorporating techniques of mindfulness meditation to teach people to observe their thoughts and feelings without judgment (Schimelpfenig, 2011). An 8-week study conducted to test this therapy found that MBTC can protect people against an increase in their self-discrepancies and facilitate a positive shift in goals and self-regulation (Crane et al., 2011).
C. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
ACT can help you to live more in alignment with your values and develop acceptance skills that can be applied to uncontrollable events. Previous studies have found that ACT promotes psychological flexibility, which can help mediate changes in self-compassion, distress, depression, and anxiety (Yadavaia et. al., 2014).
I suggest a good start would be seeing your GP and getting a referral to save on costs. You can also utilise online therapy providers such as THIS WAY UP if you are uncomfortable speaking to your GP. Please keep in mind that talking it through with someone can help significantly.
Sometimes employers also offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs), which are a free, confidential counselling service. Ask you employer if such a program exists in your organisation if you feel comfortable.
Final Words of Encouragement...
Life is unpredictable, and your goals and aspirations may change over time. Stay flexible and open to new opportunities and experiences that may help you get closer to your goals. You will be experiencing some discomfort going through this process, which is normal and can even be a powerful motivator. Whenever you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself: "Why am I doing this? How will it benefit me? What will it mean for me?" Keep your "Why" and your values at the forefront of your mind. I also encourage you to adjust your goals as you discover what works and what doesn't.
Läuft wishes you best of luck on your journey and is here to support you.
Disclaimer…
LÄUFT is not a replacement for professional psychological treatment. If you suffer from severe mental health issues, please contact your Doctor and explore some of the services from our resources page.
References...
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Carver, C. S., Lawrence, J. W., & Scheier, M. F. (1999). Self-discrepancies and affect: Incorporating the role of feared selves. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 25(7), 783–792. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167299025007002
Courtney E. Ackerman, M. A. (2018, February 12). Cognitive restructuring techniques for reframing thoughts. Positivepsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/cbt-cognitive-restructuring-cognitive-distortions/
Continuous improvement: How it works and how to master it. (2015, June 11). James Clear. https://jamesclear.com/continuous-improvement
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Higgins, E. T. (1987). Self-discrepancy: A theory relating self and affect. Psychological Review, 94(3), 319–340. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.94.3.319
Keller, L., Gollwitzer, P. M., & Sheeran, P. (2020). Changing behavior using the model of action phases. In The Handbook of Behavior Change (pp. 77–88). Cambridge University Press.
MindTools. (n.d.). Mindtools.com. Retrieved March 13, 2023, from https://www.mindtools.com/a4wo118/smart-goals
Rebecca Joy Stanborough, M. F. A. (2020, February 4). Cognitive restructuring: Techniques and examples. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/cognitive-restructuring
Schimelpfening, N. (2011, January 26). What is mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT)? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/mindfulness-based-cognitive-therapy-1067396
Tangney, J. P., Niedenthal, P. M., Covert, M. V., & Barlow, D. H. (1998). Are shame and guilt related to distinct self-discrepancies? A test of Higgins’s (1987) hypotheses. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(1), 256–268. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.75.1.256
The Royal Australian College of general Practitioners. (n.d.). Acceptance and commitment therapy. Australian Family Physician. Retrieved March 13, 2023, from https://www.racgp.org.au/afp/2012/september/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy
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